Things we learn from our mother-Fun Jokes Jokes Of The Day

Things we learn from our mother 

1. My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION... "Just wait until your father gets home." 

2. My Mother taught me about RECEIVING... "You are going to get it when we get home!" 

3. My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE... "What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you. Don't talk back to me!" 

4. My Mother taught me LOGIC... "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me." 

5. My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE... "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way." 

6. My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD... "If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job." 

7. My Mother taught me ESP... "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?" 

8. My Mother taught me HUMOR... "When that lawn mower cuts off you toes, don't come running to me."

9. My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT... "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up." 

10. My Mother taught me about SEX... "How do you think you got here?" 

11. My Mother taught me about GENETICS... "You're just like your father." 

12. My Mother taught me about my ROOTS... "Do you think you were born in a barn?" 

13. My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE... "When you get to be my age, you will understand." 

14. And my all time favorite... JUSTICE... "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you... Then you'll see what its like." 

Bell System Jokes

Bell System 

A fire chief had just gotten married and on his honeymoon he informed his new wife that their house was going to be run like a firehouse...

 he said that they would have sex on the bell system. 

He went on to say that one bell meant take your clothes off... two bells meant get into bed... and three bells meant start fooling around. 

The fire chief came home from work one day and decided to try out his system.... he hollered "One Bell" and she took off her clothes. He hollered "Two Bells" and she got into bed. 

He hollered "Three Bells" and they started fooling around like crazy. 

A few minutes later, SHE yells "Four Bells." "Four Bells?" the fire chief asks, "What is four bells?" 

"Let out more hose!" she yelled. "You're nowhere near the fire!" 

Wish For Beer Jokes

Wish For Beer 

Two men were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freight vessel. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp. 

Secretly hoping that a Genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. 

To the amazement of the castaways, one did come forth. 

This particular Genie, however, stated that she could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. 

Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, 

"Make the entire ocean into beer!"

 Immediately the Genie clapped her hands with a deafening crash, and the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. 

Simultaneously, the Genie vanished to her freedom.

 Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. The other man looked disgustedly at the one whose wish had been granted. 

Answers Jokes--Kids Jokes

Answers 

1. White Christmas 

2. Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire 

3. All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth 

4. O Holy Night

 5. It Came Upon a Midnight Clear 

6. O Come, All Ye Faithful 

7. Away in a Manger 

8. Deck the Hall

 9. Little Drummer Boy 10. We Three Kings 

11. Silent Night

12. God Rest Ye, Merry Gentlemen 

13. Santa Claus is Coming to Town

14. Let it Snow 

15. Go, Tell It on the Mountain 

16. Rudolph, the Red-nosed Reindeer 

17. What Child is This? 

18. Joy to the World 

19. Hark! The Herald Angels Sing 

20. The Twelve Days of Christmas 

Haircut Joke--Kids Jokes

Haircut Joke--Jokes For Kids To Tell

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit.

He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him,

"I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little and get your haircut and we'll talk about it."

After about a month the boy came back and  asked again, his father if they could discuss use of the car.

They again went to the father's study where his father said,

"Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but, you didn't get your haircut!"

The young man waited a moment and replied,

"You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair............ "

To which his father replied....... "Yes, and they walked every where"

Ice Cream Parlor--Kids Jokes

Ice Cream Parlor

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, 

"If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" 

Johnny says, 

"None." The teacher asks, 

"Why?" Johnny says, 

"Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, 

"No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, 

"If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" 

The teacher says, 

"The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, 

"No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

What does that mean--Kids Jokes

What does that mean

On Thanksgiving day, a little boy overhears his mom and dad fighting. He hears his mom call his dad a bastard and hears his dad call his mom a bitch. He asks, 

"Mommy, what does bastard mean?" She answers, 

"Um, it means boy." Then he asks, 

"Daddy, what does bitch mean?" He says, 

"Uh, it means girl." Later that day, the boy sees his father in the bathroom shaving; the dad accidentally cuts himself and says, 

"Sh*t." The son asks, 

"What does that mean?" The dad says, 

"It means shaving cream." Then he sees his mom in the kitchen carving the turkey; she accidentally cuts herself and says, 

"F*ck." The son asks her what that word means and she says, 

"It means carving." That evening, the family's guests arrive for Thanksgiving dinner. The son opens the door to welcome them and says, 

"Welcome bitches and bastards! My dad is in the bathroom rubbing sh*t on his face and my mom is in the kitchen f*cking the turkey."